Chapter 8 [Paralyze]

That day at the top floor of the lab building, Joseph and I sat there through a few periods.
When we returned to class, our monitor informed us that our physics teacher, who’s also our form teacher, wants to see us after school to know where we disappeared to during her period. We ended up going for detention that day after school.

Things between Joseph and I resume to normal the next day, and we never bring up the incident anymore. Like it didn’t happen at all before, or actually both of us are consciously suppressing it under our tongues, preventing it from coming out of our mouths.

However, I can feel that something is slowly changing as time goes by. Slowly, little by little. But I also cannot pinpoint what is it actually, just that our conversations are starting to get more and more vague and our actions less and less relaxed.

I’m starting to wonder whether this current state of friendship we’re keeping, is it maintained because of the habit of having each other around for 7 years, or is it due to us purposefully avoiding some issues?
But one thing I know for sure is that, as we grow older, both of us, our own secrets also become more.

On the other hand, Amelia and I start to become closer. Also not that kind of closer, just closer than before, when we were only strangers in the same CCA.
It’s during one particular moment when our eyes met and we exchanged smiles. And another moment when I had to discuss some choir concert thing with her that we started talking.
It seems like it’s only naturally for us to become closer ever since I know she’s L.Y. But it’s happening a little too smoothly.
Making friends is never this smooth for me, except that time during Primary 3 when I met Joseph and received a friendship. That was the only time and it was different. It was fated.
And I believe that fate is not so kind.

Maybe fate is now breaking up one friendship to forge another one.
I bite my lips at the thought of that. A little too hard I think. I taste blood.

I sit up from my bed and look at my clock. 3.21am. I’ve been tossing and turning on bed and just simply cannot fall sleep. I don’t feel like moving but my legs bring me to my balcony.
Looking out of the window, I gaze into the sky. It’s a cloudless and starless night and that makes me feel a little lonely.
I look down at the vegetated land below my house and see the trees sway to the night breeze, and a scene from the past flashes across my eye.

I was at the top floor of the lab building one afternoon after school. I was actually supposed to be at the field supporting Joseph at a soccer match, but I didn’t feel up to it and came here to look at the view.
I was feeling a little down, though I do not know why.

Some time passed and I was going to leave the place to go to field to look for Joseph until I felt a hit at the back of my head. I rubbed my head and turned to see him grinning.

“You are supposed to be rooting for me at the field, not here.” He said.

“No mood today.” I replied.

He just smiled and looked out to the view.

“How come you’re here?” I asked.

“I guessed you’ll be here.” He said.

“What about your other friends?” I asked.

“What other friends?” He asked, in puzzlement. I got an impression he acted that.

“Your team mates? All those supporters down there at the field?” I said, and was surprised at the way it sounded out.

“They’re not my friends.” He said, as a matter of factly.

I gave him a look.

“Why do I need so many friends for? I just need one.” He said.

I turned my head to look out to the view.
He gave me a nudge with his elbow.

“You’re the one.” He said, as a matter of factly again.

“And you decided that yourself?” I shot back, kind of jokingly, though I kept my straight face.

“Hasn’t it been like this since the day I ‘saved’ you?”

You didn’t ‘save’ me. But it’s true. But I kept mum.

“So you’re that one friend for me. And I’m that one friend for you.”

He decided that himself again.

He gave a thumbs up. I returned a thumbs up.

I don’t know whether is that considered a promise or not, but to me it feels like one.
Joseph tried to keep a promise even when he was having a fever the last time. I’ve got no excuses not to keep it.

But I also know that as we grow from little boys to teenage boys, promises between us are hard to keep anymore. Because I think to others, promises are only made between a boy and a girl.

A promise is a promise. Between whomever, it still is deserving to be kept.

Saturday morning. And the 3 hours of choir practice ends. I am walking out of the room when Amelia comes up to me. I stop in my tracks and smile to her. And she returns a radiant smile.

“Will you be going for lunch later?” She asks.

“Er… Most probably?” I think the question is a bit odd, but I didn’t show my amusement.

“Do you want to lunch together?” She asks.

“Er…” But I’m lunching with Joseph. We always lunch together.

“At Parkway? There’s a new food place there and I feel like trying.”

“Er… ok.” She didn’t say that Joseph can’t come along right?

“Ok.”

And we stand still for a good 6 seconds looking at each other. I am wondering what the next action should be.

“Ok. Let’s go then.” She finally says. And smiles.

“Er… I need to go do something first.” I reply.

“Ok. We’ll meet at the side gate?”

“Er… ok.” I run out of the room, and to the field.

She didn’t say that I can’t bring a friend along, did she?
But will it be rude to just bring someone along without letting her know?
She will not mind, will she?
I always lunch with Joseph. She should know that.
Should I even tell Joseph that she asked me out for lunch?

My mind is racing with all sorts of questions. And it didn’t occur to me that I already reached the field and Joseph is standing in front of me.

“Where should we go now?” He asks. It’s a routine question.

“Hey boy, I can’t go anywhere today. We’ve got a choir committee meeting. And it’s going to be quite long.” I lie. I don’t know how come I lie. But I lie. And I realize that I’m always lying to Joseph.

“Hmmm. Ok.”

He says he’ll be going home, and I look at his back view as he leaves.

A few hours passed, and I’m walking with Amelia around Parkway after the meal. She said she wanted to shop around and I felt I had the obligation to accompany her.

As we are walking, I sense a familiar presence in front of me. I look ahead and my eyes meet this pair of familiar eyes looking back at me. Joseph’s.
I stop walking. Regret fills me the very instant.

He is standing very still, looking at me blankly. This time, it is a total blank. Not a slight emotion which I can sense.
He turns and walks away.
I look at his back view for the second time as he leaves.

I cannot run up to him.
Because regret paralyzes.


~End of Chapter 8~